The Fall

Lived

May I, monsieur, offer my story without running the risk of intruding on your dinner? I mean, you did want to know what kind of life I lived? Right?

Well, it all started on a small—for a Con Agra establishment—farm in Rockingham County. I was raised on CA’s prime Big Breast Turkey Feed™—more like forced-fed, but let’s not go there. I was told there was blue skies outside the turkey coop, but I never got out the door, what with gobbling up delicious BBTF eleventy times a day.

Then one day, Farmer comes out and announces that Farmer Obama up the road just pardoned a turkey at the Big Farm. He then said he wouldn’t be pardoning any of us, HAHA! He did say to look on the bright side…even if we were pardoned, we’d be dead before Christmas. Something about modern turkeys being bred to eat, not to live. Anyway, it’s a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

But enough about me, what about you? You’re looking pretty rough there. You know the feeling…you’re starting to feel a little woozy, you’re starting to feel like your dinner is getting ready to make a quick exit…out the front and back of the, uh, coop, yeah, you know what I mean. No amount of Imodium can stop this… Yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you, my old farm, Turkey Farm Nr. 340311 just got shut down…something about mutated Ebola-Cholera Turkey Transmutation 0C5547BB-1. Yeah, that’s it, let the turkey flow thru you.

We’ll be together real soon—we can go check out that blue sky they told me about.

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A Night to Remember

If the present incarnation of the GOP resembled the old in any way save the name, we might be in for two years of talk of tax reform, immigration reform, that sort of thing. What we’ll get, along those lines, is tax reform where business pays even less and immigration reform along the lines of deport all the Mexicans to Mexico and all the Chinamen to China. ¡Reform!

That’s if we’re lucky.

What we’re likely to get is two years of what the GOP is now expert at delivering…

  • An amendment making Christianity the Official Religion™ of these here United States
  • An amendment making abortion illegal on Earth, Mars, and the outer rings of Saturn
  • A murder of Representatives filing bills to make every other day Bible Day
  • An amendment making Englush* the Official Language of these here United States
  • An amendment requiring Ebolas to have two forms of ID to vote
  • An amendment outlawing the Gays
  • An amendment abolishing evolushun and making Creationism official
  • A race ’tween the House and Senate to see how many times they can repeal Obummercare
  • A race ’tween the House and Senate to see how many things they can name for Ronald Reagan
  • A race to see how many times they can bring Donald Trump to full orgasm

On one of the Sunday TeeVee talk shows little Billy Kristol—no, not THAT Billy Crystal, the other one, Irving and Gert’s boy—gave utterance to his fear that if the GOP takes the Senate, they’ll actually have to govern. Well they did, and now they will. Except what they call governing, the rest call a Marx Brothers’ film, and tonight, ladies and gentleman, the part of Harpo and his magic horn will be portrayed by Mr. McConnell.

Now everybody—

P.S. Joni Ernst is going to be a blast. Michele Bachmann may be gone, but now we’ve got Joni, who appears to be even crazier.

* they may turn out their base, but they still can’t spell for shit.

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